The holiday season is upon us and with it comes a myriad of tacky decorations, sickly sweet treats and ridiculous theme parties (ugly Christmas sweater party is so 2012). The winter season can be a tough time for us to keep it cool, so here is a quick guide to make your Holidays and little less Norman Rockwell and a little more Ai Weiwei.
Bobbles and garland and ribbon, oh my. Nothing says Christmas like a good old fashion Christmas tree. But let’s face it, the ornaments your nephew made are shit, those flashing lights are sure to induce a seizure and you’re sick to death of pulling tinsel out of your cats ass (Purrtrick Swayze loves to eat that shit). This year go classic and hang some vintage vinyl in the tree, adorn it with tungsten filament lightbulbs and top it with an effigy of Zooey Deschanel. That’s sure to make your tree look a whole lot less basic bitch.
Gorging yourself on holiday sweets is a sure fire way to have to retire your favorite pair of Nudie Jeans. It’s probably best you put down that eggnog and shortbread and pick up some of these much less comforting but a whole lot more vainglorious alternatives. Did you know that according to science using a coffee filters can add unwanted carbs. Why not try pouring the grounds directly into your face. Just add hot water and strain with your teeth. And instead of reaching for those sugary snacks why not try just watching others eat? It’s a sure fire way to shed some pounds and will maybe teach you how to feel joy for other people’s happiness for once in your self centered life.
Holiday work parties are always a little awkward. But a sure fire way to break that ice is with the god given gift of whiskey. Get drunk, have fun and sleep with a co-worker. This is what the holidays are all about! So this Christmas be sure to stay hip, keep thin and get laid.
words: Ryan Bangma
photo: Ilijc Albanese