If you’re anything like me then on the morning of July 5th, 2015 you tossed off your Egyptian cotton sheets, cracked open your plantation shutter blinds and thought to yourself “Jesus tap dancing Christ, the goddamn world is ending.” Well, it turns our eyes didn’t switch to Early Bird filter, the end really is nigh. The blood sun has risen and with it is all the hell fire and brimstone you can handle. But don’t let Satan’s minions catch you with your pants down. Here are a few helpful tips to make sure you and your loved ones make it through the rapture untormented.
Keep your cool. The temptation of a refreshing dip in the lake will be great, especial with all the flames raining from the heavens. But you never can tell when that large body of water will burst into a lake of fire, scorching you and your family. Not exactly the beach barbeque you were hoping for, is it? Instead, try busting out the kiddie pool and filling it with Holy Water. It’s a great way to beat the apocalyptic heat and you can baptise the little ones while you’re at it.
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Head out to the back shed and dust off the old pitchfork. Hasn’t your neighbour been letting his dog do its dirty work on your lawn? Why not show him you’re not to be trifled with and stick him in the ass? Or perhaps a sacrifice is in order. Nothing says “Hey, I’m with you guys!” like spilling the blood of the innocent.
Oopsy daisey. Maybe it’s not too late for some good old fashion repentance? Let’s face it, if God has lifted all your friends up to the Heavens and left you behind to endure hell on earth, then you’re probably an asshole. I don’t know much about the bible, but I have heard a little “I’m sorry” goes a long way.
Check out these tips and more in my book: What to Expect When You’re Expecting the Apocalypse.
Coming hopefully soon enough.
Words by Ryan Bangma
originally published in the August 2015 issue of analogy