Spring is a time when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love. Summer is the time when that young man’s fancy throws on a singlette and some shutter shades, and heads to a local patio to harasses the servers. The heat wave may not have hit us yet, folks, but rest assured it’s on its way, bringing a cavalcade of sun drenched Bros, all looking to crush some Palm Bays at a local hot spot. You can hear them coming by the distinctive thwapping sound their flip flops make as they scuffle around downtown from pub to pub.
Flip flops are a summer staple. They’re a perfect footwear option for a day at the beach or a backyard barbeque, but we should leave it at that. And yet we see them everywhere, especially hanging off the toes of young men at your favorite pubs, like leathery rat traps barely covering their rotting kill. Eating on restaurant patios is expensive, so I’m sorry if I don’t want to stare at your hairy foot knuckles while I try and choke down my over-priced chicken caesar wrap. Flip flops really are the Febreeze of the shoe world; you know they are just there to cover up some seriously foul shit.
If you still feel the need to off gas your feet in a public eating space this summer, then at least take a little care. Cut your toe nails, moisturize your heels, or spend a bit of cash and treat yourself to a pedicure. But if your feet are the same colour as a tar-stained finger and your heels are so dry you could use them as sidewalk chalk then please, at the very least stuff them in some Toms.
Words by Ryan Bangma
originally published in the June 2015 issue of analogy